Category: Pre-1959

Funmi Iyanda Abeba is an award-winning investigative journalist and media analyst based in Johannesburg, South Africa. With over 15 years of frontline reporting across the SADC region, she specializes in political accountability, gender equity, and climate justice. A graduate of Rhodes University (MA Journalism & Media Studies), she has contributed to Mail & Guardian, City…

Barbie, Narcissus, and Echo: Reflections, Rejections, and Pondside Personal Growth Once upon a time in the echoey hills of ancient Greece, there lived Narcissus—a man so stunning that birds chirped slower to stare at him, nymphs got whiplash passing by, and one dryad literally walked into a tree while blushing. Unfortunately, Narcissus knew it. He…

Barbie and the Birth of Athena: Forehead Births, Brainy Goddesses, and Headaches with Purpose On a particularly bright morning atop Mount Olympus, Zeus, king of gods, thunder-hoarder, and eternal man-child with power issues, complained of a terrible headache. Like, really bad. He stomped.He screamed.He said things like, “This is worse than that time Prometheus gave…

Barbie and the Enuma Elish: Pink Is the New Chaos In the beginning, when all was watery chaos and contouring hadn’t been invented, there was only Apsu (freshwater god, mansplainer) and Tiamat (saltwater goddess, certified sea witch and part-time dragon). Together they made a bunch of rowdy baby gods who wouldn’t stop TikToking or inventing…

Barbie and Prometheus: Fire Theft, Eternal Liver Problems, and the Spark That Launched Humanity In the early days of Olympus HR, one Titan stood out as the boldest rule-breaker and part-time tech bro of creation: Prometheus. While the gods hoarded knowledge like exclusive NFTs, Prometheus saw mortals down below freezing, fumbling, and failing to invent…

Barbie and the Odyssey: Sirens, Cyclopes, and a GPS with Emotional Intelligence Odysseus—king of Ithaca, Trojan War vet, part-time liar—was supposed to return home after the war. Supposed to. What should have been a three-week boat trip turned into a 10-year floating disaster, involving man-eating monsters, enchanted furniture, and so many detours you’d think he…

Barbie and Persephone: Springtime in the Underworld Long before Barbie ever rollerbladed down Venice Beach or opened her Dream Bakery in Mykonos, she was known in the ancient world as Barbaphoneia, goddess of reinvention, balance, and seasonal outfit coordination. Now in this tale, the spotlight traditionally falls on Persephone, the daughter of Demeter, who was…

The Epic of Gilgamesh and Barbie: The Pink Cuneiform Chronicles In the mighty city of Uruk, where the ziggurats were high and the egos higher, Gilgamesh, two-thirds god and one-third problematic man bun, ruled with abs of bronze and the sensitivity of a damp brick. The citizens of Uruk, desperate for relief from his CrossFit…

Barbie and the Baby-Eagle Fertility Quest: A Womb with a View In the windswept city of Kish, King Etana had everything: a gold-plated throne, a 4-horsepower chariot, and an elite bronze-age beard care routine. But there was one thing he didn’t have: An heir. No matter how many fertility sacrifices he performed, or how many…

Barbie and the Birth of Aphrodite: Surf, Shells, and the First Goddess of the Algorithm Long before TikTok trends, Instagram filters, or the phrase “hot girl summer,” there was only sea foam. And from that shimmering tide of divine suds, Aphrodite was born. Or as we like to call her in this retelling:AphroBarbie™, Goddess of…

Barbie and the Trojan Horse: War, Wedges, and the Fall of Troy The Trojan War had been dragging on for ten long years, which in Bronze Age time is basically the run of three Broadway musicals and the entire lifespan of most soldiers. The Greeks were tired. The Trojans were tired. Even the gods were…

Barbie and the Great Mesopotamian Flood: Dreamhouse Goes Under In the early days, when the gods were still trying to figure out Excel spreadsheets and irrigation, humanity was created by the god Enki—using a divine mixture of clay, spit, and the tears of overworked interns. Humans, being humans, did what they do best: they got…

Barbie and the Orpheus Tragedy: Love, Lyrics, and a Backward Glance Too Many Once upon a time in ancient Thrace, there lived Orpheus, the original emo bard, a man so good with the lyre that even rocks wept gently into moss when he played. He could charm anything—animals, trees, nymphs, emotionally unavailable minor deities—but like…

Barbie and the Poor Man of Nippur: How to Slay a Mayor in Three Fabulous Outfits In the city of Nippur, where the ziggurats kissed the sky and the local government was mostly run by men who peaked in junior chariot league, lived a man named Gimil-Ninurta. He was poor. Dirt poor. Ancient-Mesopotamia-poor. His sandal…

Barbie and Sisyphus: Rolling Rocks, Rising Standards, and the Myth of Meaningful Momentum Once upon a particularly exhausting eternity, there lived a man named Sisyphus, who had made a name for himself by doing what all morally flexible kings do: Tricking gods. Escaping death. Being generally smug about it. He outwitted Thanatos (Death itself), put…

Barbie and Medusa: Stone-Cold Beauty and the Redemption Blowout Once upon a darker corner of ancient Greece, there lived Medusa—a priestess of Athena with flawless skin, a strong jawline, and a vow of chastity that somehow offended the wrong people in the worst way. Depending on who’s telling the story, she was either cursed for…

Barbie and Pandora’s Box: Curiosity, Chaos, and Contour Kits In the beginning, the gods had a problem: men were running wild. Specifically, Prometheus had gifted humans fire—which they promptly used to invent toast, TikTok, and political discourse. Naturally, Zeus was furious. So he did what any powerful deity with trust issues would do: he planned…

Barbie and the Argonauts: Fleece, Feuds, and a Ship Full of Red Flags Once upon a time in ancient Greece, Jason was told by his evil uncle Pelias, “Sure, you can have your throne back… if you go fetch the Golden Fleece guarded by a literal dragon in a hostile foreign kingdom.” Jason, who was…

Barbie and Bellerophon: Pegasus Rides, Chimera Vibes, and Hubris on the Horizon Once upon a sun-kissed Grecian day, there lived a man named Bellerophon—handsome, brave, and destined to do something so heroic and reckless, Zeus kept side-eyeing Mount Olympus like, “Whose turn is it to deal with this one?” Bellerophon was a hero-in-progress, the kind…

Barbie and Lugalbanda: Cave Life, Crystals, and Character Growth In the days before Gilgamesh started crashing trees and offending deities, his dad Lugalbanda was out doing kingly things—namely, invading neighboring cities and forgetting to hydrate. Lugalbanda, while valiant and mildly attractive, had the immune system of a damp scroll. So when his army crossed into…